Archive for ‘Blabber’

66 items.

Never Ending Party – Part 1

July 23rd, 2010 | by C. Patrick Shields

On Wednesday the parents left the house entrusting it to me while they took a ten day trip to California. With the house left to my own devices I did what any mature house-sitter would do.

I STARTED THROWING A WILD TEN DAY PPAAAARRRRTTTTAAAAYYYY!!!!!

Thats right, everyone. This extravaganza won’t end until the old-timers come back and find the place absolutely ransacked and destroyed. Expect this to be the most wild, out of control, legendary bash the world has ever seen. Those who participate will sing praises of it to their grandchildren, who in turn will pass the story down to theirs. It’ll be so epic, everyone will want it edited in their obituaries and engraved on their tombstones.

Of course, there are some basic logistical problems. Something so massive and incredible is bound to attract some rudimentary obstacles. The first day went off a bit rough as time commitments had to be met. For instance, didn’t I have some responsibilities to fulfill? What events are there going to be? Aren’t there vegetables to water? Whose gonna refill the ice tray? All very, very important questions involved in the planning of any party. Believe it or not, to keep everyone’s attention you can turn any regular event into a wild, exciting celebration.

Thats right. As long as you hoot, holler, wear a hat sideways and dance around it technically counts as a party. This is a true fact and anyone who denies has never done anything remotely cool in their entire lifetimes. Such boring people deserve to be ignored and forever shunned in the furthest corner of the backyard.

WOOO! CHECK IT OUT! IT'S ME MOTHA F--KIN' MOWIN THE MOTHA F--KIN' LAWN!! DAMN THIS IS CRAZAY! WOOOO!

Maybe your feeble little mind can’t comprehend exactly what kind of awesome I’m talking about. Lets take the commencement at noon where the first stop on this crazy-train was doing some lawn work for the neighbor. AAWWWW YEAAAHHH! Two straight hours in sun on a clear summer day. Ain’t gettin’ much more better then that, or does it? Get this. We just got started on this non-stoppa-spectacular and I’ve already started makin’ money. This here is already turning a profit. Logically, at this rate, I could party every day forever and make a living out of it. Anyone a career councilor, cuz everyone is gonna sign up for this.

After that, went over to my grandmom’s place and dropped her off at bingo. WOOOO! BINNNGGGGOOOOO!!!! You sunk my battleship! Then the night was brought in by supporting local arts and culture at the Abington Art Center. HELL YES! Nothing cooler then BEING INVOLVED THE COMMUNITY!

Oh but it didn’t end there. Haven’t you be paying attention, moron? This party won’t stop till August! I’ll be keeping the world, or those who accidentally stumbled on my twitter feed, updated on the most all-out event of the decade. Thats right, the decade. Even though it just started, I’m calling it. Done deal. Heck, right now its “FRIGGEN’ SWEET BLOG TIME” where after every paragraph I rock out by screaming the last four words.

THE LAST FOUR WORDS!!!! YYEEAAAHHHH!!!

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Geography Quiz

February 24th, 2010 | by C. Patrick Shields

As with all my school-oriented comics, this one is loosely based on truth. In the real life version it was the students which failed the grasp the idea of how this exam would work. Yet somewhere in the script the teacher became the loser as likely part of my anti-authority bias.

Nine times out of ten, a teach can answer a question with 'yes, it will be on the exam.'

Back in the days of grade school, I loved geography. Heck that obsessive love is still there. I even ranked second place in a geography quiz competition. Now its easy to figure out what you’re thinking and the answer is ‘Yes.’ It did, in fact, make me the second coolest kid in school.

Unfortunately, I didn’t win. Some sort of nonsense in quadruple overtime made me fall short on a question about the Red Sea. Apparently it wasn’t the Caspian Sea which was created by the continental drift between the Middle East and Africa.

Surprised that I remember the exact question nine years later? Think that I hold any ill will or sour feelings from losing a competition that should have been me who won?! It could have been me in the regionals! I would have done so much better that lucky glasses wearing nerd! One can only hope he found his way to the Red Sea and drowned!

Okay, okay. Thats a bit overboard. I need to calm down… but dammit I love my geography. If there is one thing to take seriously in life its that. Last thing you want to be is that jackass on a late-night show unable to find Germany on a map. Oh ha-ha-ha television show. You found someone who has trouble picking out Iraq. How quickly can you correctly rearrange the Middle Eastern countries by alphabetical order! Betchya It’d be slower then me, cuz its on now. You wanna throw down some geography skillz? Huh?! You don’t know who you’re messing with! I keep it real.

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Future Olympiads

February 23rd, 2010 | by C. Patrick Shields

The summer olympics offers a wide array of skills and abilities in many different areas of expertise. Track and field events, swimming, and various other technical skills.

The winter olympics pretty much consist of getting to as close to accidental suicide as possible.

If you can give away a gold medal for curling, I'm going to concede that NASCAR is a sport.

Actually, in one event someone died in training. Of course, you knew this already. Its really not something to laugh it but instead seriously consider. Short of figure skating, everything here is two steps away from craziness. It seems like the only abilities you need to get into a winter Olympic sport is to be areo-dynamic and no proper sense of when you enter a dangerous situation. Even the short-track is a serious danger risk ask per the continuously played clip of the guy who cut his leg open on the track. What the heck do you expect to happen when you pack six guys gliding along with sushi knives two inches from their fingers.

For a nice change of pace I decided to watch curling. My thoughts that it’d be fairly easy to figure out were drastically wrong. There is a vernacular that requires a small dictionary and a point system that seems as half-assed as tennis. Its not hard to understand, it’s just hard to understand why.

I’ll probably stop watching it, though. Wikipedia says America isn’t doing well and that half the team is Canadian born anyways. Feels like we just got the B-team from our neighbors, and thats God damned unacceptable.

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The Still Life Cynic Presents: Twilight

February 21st, 2010 | by MovieCynical

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I really…REALLY hate this fucking movie. Excuse my french.

C. Patrick’s Administrator power edit: Yea there is a bit of language in this one, and not in the prudish sort of TV-MA language… like lets face it we’ve just cursed enough already so lets go for more kind. Sorry Alex for jumping in your post. Just sayin’. Its censorship I say!

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Praise Jesus!

February 21st, 2010 | by C. Patrick Shields

Going to a catholic school gave me access to a series of religious retreats. Now I never went, but there were always epic tales of very non-catholic activities that went on. It just goes to show that teenagers are up to no good.

Remember the good old days when you felt so badass for only sneaking a cell phone? You know, six years ago.

On the topic of feeling good about yourself, there is a program for my mac that gives me complements. Once an hour, Toady says something really nice to me and it makes me feel good. Its actually really adorable and quite fun. Unfortunately once the complement fades away I’m left with the cold reminder that I downloaded a lifeless computer program to cheer me up. I make it akin to a caffeine crash.

OOoooo, Toady said it’d give me a hug if it had harms. Awh, I love you too Toady.

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Anger Management

February 20th, 2010 | by C. Patrick Shields

Added to the running themes of my comics are now ‘anger problems.’

What can I say? I find it funny when people get punched in the face.

‘Anger problems’ is now part of a long list including silly humor, nerd references, and shots about Facebook. Nothing really adds to a punchline more then an actual punch.

That line is probably said by someone else already, but I see no harm is spitting it myself. If random smashing works for Gallager, I figure it has to work in comic-form for me.

In comic news, it looks like I’ll be back to a regular update schedule with Alex on Monday and Lindsay on Thursday. Pretty sweet gig considering I finished a whole week’s worth of comics ahead of time. Okay, well… lets be fair. Its 2:40 AM on a thursday morning and my blog posts are a bit incoherent and full of typos. You want me to proofread? Eh? Hell no! Ima fight over this one for sure!

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Clever Names

February 19th, 2010 | by C. Patrick Shields

I’m lacking creativity. When I read the name “Blackeye” for a drink, all I can do is giggle at the thought of actually being punched.

Go ahead and insult Starbucks. Feel free. No no, its not cliché.

In case you’re wondering, I drink my coffee black. Quite frankly, its the only way to drink coffee. This is how real men drink coffee. All other losers deserve to have their coffee splashed on their laps and taught a lesson about pure caffeine. Black coffee puts hair on your chest and a leap in your step.

In other news, I’m nearly out of tea. Shoulda asked for more from home in my most recent CARE package. Oh well!

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If Only They Gave Twitter Trophies

February 18th, 2010 | by C. Patrick Shields

I finally got 1,000+ tweets on twitter. I know, I know. Cease applauding. I know you’re all very excited.

They give you a trophy for 1,000 tweets on twitter. At 10,000 tweets you get only loneliness.

I feel bad for the one person who get mobile updates whenever I update my twitter. This means their phone has gone off over 800 times at least with absolutely nonsensical jokes, forecasts of the Lancaster weather, comics posted that no one reads, and insults to random people’s profile pictures. Lets not exclude the random insults about teams who have gone against the Phillies and/or Eagles. How I hate our rivals so much!

Naturally, insulting Facebook is no new task for me. Its true that Twitter has fallen off the face of earth after its hype but for the most part, I’m happy. The people who packed it eight months ago were just the Facebook crowd who were absolutely surprised that what they had to tweet about was completely uninteresting. Instead, they needed to fall back on Farmville and Mafia Wars then continue to send me god damn requests for these things. Just because I signed up doesn’t mean I care! Gahhh!

One in every five notifications is a lie. Maybe I just get mad because I’m disappointed. Its like getting a package thats empty.

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The Still Life Cynic Presents: Dragon Ball Z

February 7th, 2010 | by MovieCynical

A nerd classic for nerds.

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I’m Still Not Watching You

February 7th, 2010 | by C. Patrick Shields

Did you know the Super Bowl was on? I didn’t.

...and its a deep pass to that guy who runs it all the way down making the score something to something else.

“Being in a Superbowl Ad” is going to be on my bucket list, I think. It seems like the news only covers the commercials anymore while ESPN struggles to find another sport to follow. Hockey? No, not interesting anymore it seems. That was so 90′s. Basketball? Next month. UFC fighting? Okay, sure. A sportscaster can pretend that he watches Spike TV if it’ll kill four minutes.

Until then, I think my idea should be implemented. Question, what happens to the NFL network during the off-season? Is it just 24 hours of two guys shrugging? Can I get that job?

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